Confessions of a fine-dining waiter: What they really think of you, and do they spit in food?

He may be bring you coffee with a smile, but what does the waiter really think of you? Source: Supplied

 

REGARD them, or disregard them, waiters know exactly what makes for a good dining experience. They have a lot of power to make it either very good, or bad.
So what do they love and hate, do they really spit in food, and what do they talk about after you leave?
WHEN YOU ARRIVE
There’s nothing worse than someone being presumptuous when they arrive.
You can tell when someone is going to be trouble from the minute you greet them.
It’s the worst when they demand a special table on the spot.
If you’ve made reservations, and you make a request for a certain table in due time, that’s fair enough, we will do all we can to accommodate your request.
You need to understand, in a good restaurant, everything is planned down to a fine art.
If you want a good table, book early. We seat people in order of when they book, so if you’re arriving and throw your weight around and say ‘no, I want that table’ and think you’re commanding enough, and confident enough to get your way, it means you’re basically stealing from someone else who has booked earlier and done the right thing.


Also, if you have time pressures, let us know at the start and we will accommodate you. Don’t tell us 20 minutes before you have to be somewhere.
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ORDERING
Decide what you’ve ordered before the waiter comes. If you haven’t decided, then say so and ask for more time.
The worst thing is when you haven’t decided but you don’t let the waiter leave.
You have to remember we are under time pressure. We are constantly calculating what our section needs, keeping it together.
If your waiter asks ‘would you like another minute or two?’, that’s us politely asking for an out.
WHEN WE DON’T WRITE YOUR ORDER DOWN
If we’re not writing it down, that’s OK. It means we know that we cannot write it down.
If we suddenly can’t remember what you ordered, we will go back and double check with you, promise. Just trust us.
CONVERSATION WITH WAIT ST AFF
It’s great to establish rapport, we love that. But don’t engage in too much conversation.
Recognise that the waiter is like a duck on water, looking calm and in control, but they are paddling like mad under the surface, juggling their section.
The waiter will often give subtle hints they need to leave – slightly turning away from you, trailing off the conversation. Just be aware they might be busy.
TELLING THE CHEF
Your food was amazing and you want me to tell the chef? Sometimes I don’t.
If it’s a really busy night, I’m not going to tell the chef. Kitchens are pressure cookers of stress and you don’t want to interrupt.
Also, they don’t want to hear that it was amazing, they want to know why it was great.
If you can be specific, it most definitely WILL get passed on. They LOVE hearing that stuff, and chefs are always asking what people like and don’t like.
SENDING FOOD BACK
It interrupts flow, but if it’s a genuine problem, that’s fine. We’re not going to spit in it, we want it to be right for you.
Sometimes we end up judging that you just want attention. Also, if you’ve eaten everything don’t say “I hated it”.
YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING HELPFUL. YOU’RE NOT
People think they’re being really nice when they stack plates at the end of the meal when really, it’s better if you just leave it.
Time and efficiency is super important, and we have stacking plates and clearing tables down to a fine art.
What is great, is if you can’t reach something and they hand it to you. We’ll take care of it from there.
Also, what is really nice, is when you’re bringing plates out and there’s not a lot of room on the table, if people clear space for them.
GETTING THE BILL
Never click your fingers and never wave at a waiter for the bill. It’s really demeaning. It is rarely, if ever, necessary.
We are always sweeping the room with our eyes, so all that’s needed is some sustained eye contact.
If it says “Don’t split the bill”, please try and respect it. It takes a lot of time to split bills, mistakes can be made, people don’t claim stuff and then they leave and it ends up costing us.
TIPPING
I understand that we are not in America and we get paid a good wage. So tipping is not expected.
But in a good restaurant, the waiters probably aren’t getting paid any more than a regular restaurant, but they’re often doing a lot more for you.
It takes a lot of skill and dedication to make our job look easy, relaxed and fun, to bring the right things out and make people feel special, so it’s nice to have that acknowledged.
What’s frustrating is when people are really demanding on you all night, and then at the end of the night, they say “thankyou, that was soooooo amazing” and then don’t tip you.
A thank you is nice, but if you’re really thankful, wouldn’t you show it with a little tip? 10 per cent is a standard good service tip.
AND ANOTHER THING...
If we ask would you like dessert, don’t ever say “I’m sweet enough”. It wasn’t funny the first time.
For the love of God, if something breaks, do not yell “taxi”. That was the early noughties, over 10 years ago now. Please, for everyone’s sake, refrain.
We definitely talk about customers. From families that hate each other, to first dates, we will be listening to the conversation and paying attention. At the end of the night when we have a knock-off, we will talk about it all, including how we think your relationship is going to go.
And if someone was a real a***hole, we will deconstruct it and invent stories as to why.
We don’t care if you are rich or not, we don’t judge if you select tap water or share desserts. Spend whatever you want to spend, it’s fine. Everyone has different amounts of money and no one cares. It’s just not great when someone is a tight-arse and they are masquerading as being rich and self-important. Who are you trying to impress? We don’t care.
If we’re filling up your drinks, or replacing your cutlery, we don’t expect people to say thank you, but manners are really nice.
If we don’t like you, you won’t be able to tell. But if we DO like you, you will know about it. Stuff will start to happen; sometimes we might bring you extra things, tastings from the kitchen, or sides, or at the end of the meal we might bring something out, none of which appears on the bill. When people are nice, when they’re engaging and respectful, you go to extra lengths to make their night really amazing.